


If you love me, don't let me go

by catsandcoffee103



Category: Naruto
Genre: BAMF Umino Iruka, But not cause he's evil, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Loves Iruka, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Iruka needs a hug, Itachi needs a hug, Kakashi Needs a Hug, Kakashia Hatake has self esteem issues, M/M, Missing Nin Iruka, Naruto is a child, Protective Hatake Kakashi, Protective Umino Iruka, TOO MUCH, Umino Iruka Cares
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 15:30:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20548451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsandcoffee103/pseuds/catsandcoffee103
Summary: Umino Iruka loved Konoha more than anything else. He did. He still does. Many regarded him as the Will of Fire in flesh and blood, loyal like no one else.But he found something. Something that forces him to grab Naruto and run. It leaves the village confused, hurt, betrayed.They all try to piece it together, like a puzzle: what could he have found? And how do we bring him back?





	1. Don't go

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of an AU. Sarutobi isn't dead, and thing's are just a tad bit different.

Umino Iruka loved Konoha more than anything else. He did. He still does. Many regarded him as the Will of Fire in flesh and blood, loyal like no one else: more than willing to die for the kids, for the village. Except, when the village loses the Will of Fire, where would the Will of Fire go? That was the choice Iruka had to make. // Iruka loved Konoha, almost more than life itself- after all, he willingly would have sacrificed himself for the greater good. At least, that’s what people believed, and they weren’t exactly wrong. But Iruka loved the ideas of Konoha. He loved what it stood for: freedom to be a child, freedom to choose as an adult, liberty and love and passion, friends before mission, and most importantly- Children don’t have to fight. 

He loved it, once upon a life. But Konoha has changed. He doesn’t know when, and he doesn’t know why. But it has. He’s watched it waver, ever since Itachi left the classroom. 

He watched as Itachi undoubtedly became Anbu, and Iruka disagreed with that. He was still a child, and Konoha was created to stop the use of child soldiers; at least, he knew, that was part of the reason Konoha was created. And yet. And yet. That still isn’t the case. Then Orochimaru, and everything he did coming to light absolutely disgusted Iruka to his very core. No one deserves- to let something like that happen in the village? That’s unacceptable. And then Naruto. Sacrificed, abandoned, and forced to live alone. Naruto, and letting the whole village hate him without once trying to right how he was wronged. Even Iruka now admits he also hated him, once. When he was young and thought him to be the demon that destroyed the city. He was wrong, it took time to realize that but he did. He realized that after spending a little bit of time with the kid, and seeing him for what he truly is: a child. A child alone with no parents, no friends, no love. Alone, starving, and forced to grow up much too quickly. 

After that, he started to observe. Observe how the village loathed a boy who did no wrong- after all, he was just another victim of the Kyuubi. Who wants a demon attached to their soul, after all? Worse yet, he was left to wonder. He was never told why his parents left him, who they were, or even- or even why the whole village hated him. An orphan. A child. How cruel- how confusing that life must be. 

He would go back to an empty house, alone and hungry and /confused/. Iruka couldn’t even imagine the pain he felt, the pain brought on by the village. The pain forced upon him because the village turned its back to one of its own. One of its children. That is- that’s not in the spirit of the Will of Fire. 

And then Sasuke. Sasuke and Itachi and Itachi- he wouldn’t do that. Iruka knows Itachi, not like a friend but as a mentor. Sure, he didn’t teach Itachi, but he was tutoring, tutoring and teaching and learning by observing: Watching a prodigy in the making. He talked and spoke lightly, often times finding Itachi alone in the park, a darkness in his eyes and would sit beside him as the boy cried silently on his shoulder. Never asking, never telling. But he learned through those little exchanges, Itachi is not a boy who’d murder his clan. And then leave one alive- his brother, in the protection of the clan he betrayed. What thought process is that? Why not kill the boy? Why think a village would trust the little brother of a clan killer? Would he not be nervous, scared, or perhaps Judy bring the brothet along to teach him his evil ways? To train him to be his successor, not one of the heroes Konoha tries to breed. No, it made no sense. It was a constant nagging in the back of Iruka’s mind: it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense. But the village simply accepts it. Accepts it and moves on. Yet, they still allow the Uchiha to walk back to an empty compound, alone and depressed. No mental support, no therapy- not even after witnessing a massacre. Iruka tried to support him too, because that doesn’t make sense. Why won’t they help him? Why won’t they help the children? 

And then the Chuunin exams, and the attack, and sending kids to deal with a jinjuuriki and- and- there’s been so much. So many flaws, too many flaws and now- with this file he found. This file from Danzo and the council and, it explained too much. He wasn’t supposed to have it. No doubt he’d be killed if they knew he found it. He shouldn’t have been snooping to begin with, but he had a gut feeling and good ninjas always follows their gut. He regrets it. He took a deep breath, ignoring the tears running down his face and focusing on the only thought running through his mind: The Will of Fire it dead. 

Root, Naruto, Anbu, Itachi, Kyuubi, Danzo, Sasuke, The Council, Gaara- everything, everything has been warming signs he caught and never put together. This though, this finally stitched together all the evidence. Iruka wanted to throw up. Maybe he actually did. He didn’t know, his mind was wrapped in panic and anxiety, feet moving without permission and tears blocking his vision- he needed- he wanted- he found himself at a door, knocking wildly until it opened and he collapsed inside, mind finally catching up with his body as he came to hyperventilating, broken sobs wracking his soul, shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. He felt like he was stabbed; betrayal a sharp pain through his heart. 

He couldn’t. 

He had to go- he can’t stay here, not anymore. 

How can he? 

“Iruka! Iruka, stay with me. Deep breathes, come on, with me,” the voice brought himself out of his own panicking mind. He could focus, just a tad more, at least he was no longer trapped in his own whirlwind of thoughts pulling him farther and farther into an abyss of stress and confusion. It centered him, just a tad, bringing him to reality. _In, and out_. He followed along with the careful, steady breathing of the man beside him, tears slowly stopping their descent down his cheeks and he reached out, grabbing a muscled arm to hang on to as if it’s the only thing keeping him afloat. In and out, careful. He didn’t know how long he just breathed, hours or minutes- it didn’t matter, but eventually he was no longer hyperventilating, eventually his panic ebbed away to simply be stress and exhaustion, eventually he turned his head to see the man beside him- and he isn’t sure what to think of himself. Before him knelt Kakashi, concern clear in his uncovered eye, eyebrows pulled together in worry. 

Huh, Kakashi of all people... he isn’t as surprised as he thought he should be. After all, they have been playing a very long and dramatic game of cat and mouse, neither of them ready to take that final step into romance, but also not willing to step back and accept each other as simply friends. It’s been fun, infuriating and pleasantly unrushed. Until now, that is. 

“There’s my Iruka. Now, what happened?” Straight to the point, no bullshit. Good. Iruka handed Kakashi the file he forgot to put back, or maybe he didn’t forget. Maybe he needed someone else to see it, just to make sure it’s real. 

He didn’t trust his voice to speak quite yet, not really. But Kakashi needed to know, and as Kakashi took the file, as he slowly read through, Iruka watched his eyes darkened and fist tighten until his knuckles turned white. He was pissed. He was still loyal, however, “Where did you get this?”

“I-“ Iruka cleared his throat, ignoring the crack when he first spoke, “I was filing for the Hokage, saw it and... opened it.”

“That’s all?” The skepticism was clear in Kakashi’s voice. He didn’t believe him, but then again, Iruka wouldn’t have believed that story either. It’s not true, clearly. 

“Yes.” 

Kakashi nodded, “What are you going to do?” Not we. Not _we_, and perhaps that hurt even more than finding the damned file. Kakashi can live in a village that’s planning- planning _that_. That- even if they never do it- has considered, considered doing _that_. But then, Kakashi hasn’t grown to love Naruto like he does, Kakashi has never given the boy a chance. Kakashi was thrust into the ninja world at too young an age, forced to do unspeakable acts, and lost friends who didn’t deserve to die. Perhaps he doesn’t understand how wrong it all is. Perhaps he doesn’t care as much. He cares, Iruka admits. He sees it in the seething rage of his eyes and the tension carried in his muscles. Kakashi cares, just not enough. 

“I can’t stay here.” Honesty is never the right answer, but it’s always the one Iruka tries. He should’ve known better. 

Within the next moment Iruka was pinned against the wall, arms like steel bars pressing against him and making it impossible to move. Kakashi’s face was close, too close, visible eye narrowed dangerously and, maybe just a tad, pleadingly. Begging him with unspoken words- _don’t go_.

“I won’t let you become a missing nin.”

For a briefest moment, Iruka feared Kakashi. He felt his heart race, felt the flickering of chakra dancing dangerously across Kakashi’s skin, but then he remembered what he read and he feared no more. He pushed Kakashi, chakra powering his arms to force the man to stagger back, caught by the shock of the aggression, and Iruka stared at him. Eyes to eye, not once backing down or wavering. “I’m ashamed of you,” his voice was rough and genuine in the cruelest of forms- it showed his honesty in every word, “You will let the village do this to a child? To Minato’s son? Your Sensei’s son? You told me you loved him! You told me you respected your Sensei more than anything, and yet you’re willing to just toss his son to the side? His son- who he sacrificed for the sake of the village, who he sacrificed himself for! And now you abandon him-“

“Shut up.”

“You abandon him and his son. How can you call yourself-“

“Shut up!”

“How can you call yourself a loyal shinobi or friend after all that?!” By the end Iruka was screaming- and bruised, Kakashi shoving him back hard enough to crack the wall, tears brimming in the corner of his eye, breathing hard. Because it’s true. Every word was true. Sure, Kakashi watched Naruto to make sure no physical harm would come to him, but nothing more. He didn’t care for the boy. Didn’t befriend the boy. Didn’t- he abandoned him, because seeing him hurt. He looked too much like Minato, and it hurt, and it reminded him of his failure. Naruto reminded him of his Sensei’s death. And yet, he failed again. He failed to protect Minato’s legacy, to protect his son. He failed. And failed. And failed. And here Iruka is, a teacher, a Chuunin, doing everything he never could. It disgusted him. He disgusted himself. 

If only. 

If only he had the heart of Iruka, then maybe he wouldn’t be such a failure anymore. 

Iruka took a steady breath, voice once again lowering to be steady and brutally genuine, “I am leaving tonight. I would like you to come with me, but I won’t force you. If you show up to stop me, I won’t stop you. But...” _But I’ll never trust you again. I’ll never love you again_. “I’m taking Naruto. I can’t- he can’t risk being left here.” And after seeing those files, Kakashi can’t disagree. What they wanted to do to a child, to Minato’s son- to the son of the man who saved Konoha. A hero. It- It made Kakashi mad, and it made him realize how quick Konoha is to forget and abandon. Is that how he’s like? _Yes_. Yes. He became like that without even realizing, but Iruka didn’t. Iruka is the one bright star amongst this midst of darkness disguised as light: no wonder people consider him the embodiment of the Will of Fire. He was the only remaining flame. 

Kakashi watched, processing, for once in his life unable to act as Umino Iruka walked out his door, not once turning back. He left Kakashi alone, and with that damned file on the table. He wished...he wished Iruka never found that file, deep down. He knows it’s wrong, but he’s selfish and he wasn’t ready for his life to change. He wasn’t ready for Iruka to go. Not yet, not ever. But change has come and Iruka has gone and he needs to decide where his loyalties shall lie. Worst yet, he doesn’t even have much time. He let out a long, pained sigh as he slumped back into his couch, head buried in his hands. _Fuck_. 

As a Konoha shinobi, he knows he should report Iruka now. Right now. But he knows he isn’t, not because he isn’t a loyal shinobi- he is. He _has_ to be. But, _and he felt a wash of ice flood through his body_, it’s because he’s more loyal to Iruka than the village, he realizes. And that, that conclusion terrifies him. He wants Iruka safe more than anything else. And if Iruka is abandoning the village then, well, the village probably deserves it. Iruka would never, he’s the embodiment of the Will of Fire. He loves the villag. The village is his family, his life, his world. For him to just leave it...Kakashi glances at the folder abandoned on the table, remembering it from where he dropped it to pin Iruka against the wall. God, _he wishes he could have thought that and meant it in a sexual way_. Not, not in whatever way this is. But he is a loyal shinobi, at the end of the day, so he will report it. He will report it, and perhaps, he may get lost on the way. 

In fact, he may have gotten so lost he ended up in front of the back gate that night, where Iruka said he was going to be. And for once in his life, he was on time- Iruka’s time, or even just a tad earlier. Iruka and Naruto arrived shortly after his arrival, Naruto asleep on Iruka’s back, and two back packs strapped to his hips. Travel light, fast, and with the menace asleep so he can’t make noise that’d set off the guards. Iruka truly thought this through.. and it hurt by how surprised he looked to see Kakashi here. 

“You’re not coming with me,” it wasn’t a question. 

“I’m not.”

A pause, a silence. 

“But I’m not reporting you either. I’m going to try to help you. Here.” He can’t... he can’t leave Konoha like Iruka is. Not yet, “I want to stay and salvage what I can from Konoha. And if it doesn’t work, if Konoha is really as far gone as you think it is...I’ll find you.”

The small, sincere smile from Iruka’s expression made all the pain of the abandonment vanish, and Kakashi couldn’t stop himself. He swooped in, lightly pressing his lips against Iruka’s to deliver a chaste kiss before pulling back. “Next time we meet, it’ll be a proper kiss.”

Iruka, muted, nodded softly, dazed from the kiss and the promise for more, in another day, when perhaps they’d have peace as missing nins, or Konoha shinobis once again. 

“Goodbye Kakashi.”

“Only for now.”

And then Iruka was gone, Naruto on his back, and never once did he look back. Kakashi only wishes he was that brave. And perhaps he is in his own right. He finds his way to the Hokage tower come morning, having been distracted for a good five hours by a number of cats and other bugs. But he made it there with the utmost urgency because, after all, he saw a ninja go missing nin. As a loyal shinobi, he can’t not immediately report it.

As he made it into the building, he strolled- with urgency- to the Hokage’s office and knocked on the door, entering when he heard the ‘come in.’ Kakashi looked around, eyes narrowed lazily. The Hokage raised a fine eyebrow, “Why are you here?” 

“Uh, a ninja has left the village. Sort of missing nin style.”

That- Yeah, that was like setting off a bomb. A big ass bomb. He should have been more delicate about it. Oh well, what’s done is done. He felt the air shift immediately, and felt the eyes of the Anbu against his back, not to mention the dangerous way the Hokage’s own eyes narrow, the way his the chakra felt like it was on the edge of boiling into killing intent. “When did you learn of this?”

“Last night.” 

The chakra boiled, killing intent clear and ever present, large and overpowering. It almost made him stagger. Almost, but he would not waver. Not if it could put Iruka in danger. “And who left that’s so unimportant, you didn’t deem it fit to report to me right away?” Ooh, that is a dangerous question. Kakashi took a step forward, and the chakra in the room burst in warning signs and danger- _danger_, and he dared not to take another step. Stupid Anbu. 

“You misunderstand. It’s not that he’s so unimportant. It’s he’s so important, I didn’t want to report him right away,” the Hokage didn’t budge, but he did raise another brow, intrigued and confused. Perfect, “He found something, something that I think justified him leaving- I know, I know, not my judgement to make. But it was his choice, and he made the choice to protect his family. “

“Enough beating around the bush. Who left?” It wasn’t a question, it was an order. 

“Iruka. Umino Iruka, and he took Naruto.” 

If he thought the first answer was setting off a bomb, he was mistaken. The Hokage did have a soft spot for both those boys, and knowing they fled- left him and the village- it clearly hurt him. Hurt him and angered him off. It was also quite clear he doesn’t believe Kakashi. Kakashi cleared his throat, struggling against the pressure of the waves of chakra bouncing from the walls- the Anbu and the Hokage. It was overwhelming, suffocating, and a lesser man would have collapsed to his knees under the pressure. Kakashi couldn’t. Wouldn’t. “You can check the village. They’re gone, and for good reason,” the next wave of killing intent was from the Hokage, and this time it did make him flinch back, forcing him to steal against the pressure. The Hokage flicked his hand, motioning for some Anbu to search for the two, “I have this,” Kakashi held up the folder, and the pressure in the room decreased. Kakashi could take a breath again, finally. He knew what that meant. He walked up, carefully, placing the folder in front of Sarutobi, “Here.”

He watched the Hokage open it. He watched his eyes widen, before narrowing, his jaw setting. “How did Iruka get this?” 

“Snooping, probably. I didn’t ask. He had a bad feeling though, and followed it. That’s all I know,” The Hokage nodded once, regretfully. 

“He’s gone.”

“Yes.”

“He took Naruto.”

“Yes.”

“...he didn’t trust me.”

Kakashi shook his head, “Would you trust you after reading that?” 

Sarutobi deflated, killing intent waning and a look of resignation clear in his eyes. He stood, walking to the windows to gaze out over his village. “I should punish you, but I won’t. Call it a mercy for showing Iruka kindness while he was here. Now leave.”

Kakashi bows, strategically respectful, before carefully extracting himself. He knows this isn’t the end, not for him nor the Hokage. Iruka was like Hiruzen’s son, he knows. The Hokage took great care of him, welcoming him into his family with open arms. Sure, it never became official, and he never really moved in. But they bonded over tea and games; Sarutobi gave advice and looked out for the small Iruka. It didn’t end there, with him. Asuma took to helping train him, beating him- in that brotherly way- when Iruka tried pranks or did something stupid. They would go for dinner some nights, and Asuma would become too invested in Iruka’s love life. School life. Theyy became a family.

And Kakashi let him go. 


	2. To Fall from Love

By the time Kakashi informed Hiruzen of Iruka’s departure, the man was already halfway across Fire country; adrenaline and the need to protect Naruto forcing him past both his limits- exhaustion and mental. He ran, fleeing and forcing himself not to think too hard. Not to regret. He’s doing this for the sake of Naruto- for the sake of his own morals. He can’t give up now, he can’t regret his choice. He has to keep going, keep fighting, keep living. If not for his sake, then for Naruto’s sake. He deserves a childhood, a place to laugh and cry and grow. He deserves happiness, and just surviving won’t bring him that. No, no. They need to live. 

First things first, he needs to find a place to settle down, change names, and keep a low profile. He wants to stay in Fire country, so perhaps a small town on the border that won’t get too much ninja activity. He has a few ideas, and that’s good. Ideas are good. 

First they have to wait out the manhunt, find a place to lie low for half a year or a year before starting to settle. If it was just Iruka, he wouldn’t worry as much. But he has a jinchuriki with him - the nine tails. They’ll be looking for him- for Naruto- for quite a while. No risks. So perhaps to start with they can make a little shelter in the woods or mountains, a place with few to no people, and only go to town when they really need something... he can call it survival training to start so Naruto won’t get too put off by it. Yeah, yeah, that can work. They can make this work. 

And then he will also go through his own personal missions. He wants to gather more intel- needs to. He needs to know, he needs to help. He can’t- he can’t abandon anyone. Especially if they don’t deserve it, especially if _he_ doesn’t deserve what’s happening to him. Iruka- he just can’t let it happen. 

He’ll find Itachi, and he’ll save him too. He’ll give him the life he deserves, just like he is Naruto. Not this deranged, horrid life the village is forcing a child to bare. 

But first. Naruto. 

He kept running through the night, and only by the late afternoon of the next day did he feel safe to stop. He found an old farming town, one where abandoned buildings were plentiful and easy to access. Iruka found one of the abandoned farm houses far from the village, out in overgrown brush and trees. It’s clear no one has been here for ages, and no one will be planning on coming back anytime soon. He quickly went inside, setting Naruto down gently against the wall before cleaning up a small portion of the farm house. He took his time cleaning, carefully brushing away the dirt on the ground and cobwebs on the wall. When he thought it to be good enough, he rolled out his bed roll and picked up Naruto once more, laying him on the roll and beneath some blankets. He then placed two fingers on his forehead while holding his other hand up: “Release!” Like a flick of a switch, Naruto was awakes. The boy let out a little groan and opened his eyes groggily. He rolled on his side, looking around in confusion until his sleepiness cleared. He looked up at Iruka. 

“Where are we?” 

Iruka smiled softly, running his hand through Naruto’s hair in an affectionate manner. A tidal wave of relief washed over him: they’re out. They’re out and almost safe and Naruto will be safe, and they can start new. A family. He will be Naruto’s family, and Naruto his own. No longer will they be lonely or orphaned, and yeah, they no longer have a village. Yeah, they’re missing nin now. And yeah, they have to be on the run for a bit but they’re safe and they can no longer hurt Naruto- and they’re family. Ok, so maybe he is running through the same few thoughts over and over but he’s trying really hard to stay positive and not freak out because above all else he is...scared. And sad. He loved Konoha so much, so so much, and now he’s abandoned the village for the sake of a child. It hurts, because he became a traitor, and in one fell swoop he lost his home, his friends, his...sort of love, his job, everything. He’s heartbroken, frightened, and on the verge of panic and tears but instead he focuses on the good. On Naruto. And he smiles. 

“Morning Naruto. We’re on a super special undercover mission-“

“A mission! Dattebayo!! What till everyone sees, I get missions even before I become a Chuunin! I’m that good! Its just proof I’ll be the Hokage!” Naruto all but bounced up onto his feet, excitably bouncing in his heels and fist bumping the air in his Naruto-typical, over excited manner. Iruka frowned briefly, quickly recovering to once again force a smile on his face. _He’s going to crush Naruto’s dream_. He will never be able to be Hokage. He will never be able to even return to that damned village! Hot rage consumed Iruka, but he forced it down, deep into his soul. He had to remain calm for Naruto. He had to- How could the village want to do something so cruel to a boy who wants nothing more than to prove himself to them? To protect them?!

_Calm._

“Yes. You will be the strongest out of us all,” and every single word said was genuine, and the way Naruto’s eyes lit up and sparkled made his faith in the young ninja all the greater. Naruto will prove himself to be a hero and savior, he has no doubt. “Now, this mission is super secret. It may be about a year long, we’re going undercover and loving as a family to gather intel on the coast of Fire country.”

“Awesome! Why?”

Think fast, Iruka, “They may be plotting something against Konoha.”

“Ok! Got it!”

Good thing the boy is still young enough to be naive and dull, so full of life and a will to prove himself he questions nothing. He merely takes what’s thrown at him with both hands and runs, facing it head on with no hesitation or thought. It was always admirable, if not annoying and reckless, but also easily manipulated. Iruka let out a long breath and smiled at Naruto, his family, his new family. The young boy, he’s going to be so heartbroken when he learns the truth. But that’s for another time. Iruka sat back and started pulling out some of the rations he brought. He handed some to Naruto, who sat crossed legged in front of him and happily snatched the ration bar from Iruka’s hand and greedily ate. Iruka gave him one more, his own as a matter of fact. It was little loss to him, he felt too sick to eat. He knew he would have thrown it up, considering how upset he was at the moment. Not that Naruto knew, or ever had to know. 

“What’re we doing first Iruka?” Naruto grinned brightly, almost vibrating where he sat, “Fighting any bad guys? Saving any lives? What? What? what?!”

Iruka chuckled softly and shook his head, “Not yet. First we relax here, lay low and get the feel of the land. Then we find a home to live undercover and spy on the people we must spy on. Hopefully, no fighting.”

Naruto stuck his lip out in a pout. The poor boy and his need to play hero, his need to prove himself to all the people who don’t even deserve him. Iruka gave him a type of a sad smile, “Maybe fighting. We’ll see when we get there.” 

And they will, since, hopefully, they will fight no one. But they really won’t know- Konoha is after them now. Iruka may have to fight is own friends and allies once they come looking for him... and like that the night passed. Naruto and Iruka talked the night away, Iruka filling Naruto in on imaginary details of a mission that is not real, and answering all of Naruto’s inquiries, listening intently to his rambles of nonsense. But the genjustu still hung like a lazy fog over Naruto’s young brain, and his rambling turned to slurred words and slurred words to mumbles. Naruto soon fell into yet another slumber, and left Iruka alone and awake. He left Iruka to his own thoughts. 

Iruka leaked back against a dusty wall, grabbing his pack and rummaging through the contents before he found what he was looking for. His old forehead protector. His metal plate with Konoha’s symbol- his loyalties and the village he’d have die for. Now it was but a heavy weight on his shoulders, a memory of which he grows to regret and will never come by again. It’s like a light he will never see again, warmth he will never feel again, like a soulmate that abused and abandoned him. He let out a long sigh, pulling out a kunai and playing with the tip, pricking his finger but feeling no pain. Fuck. 

He flipped the kunai to lay the tip against the metal and carefully pulled the blade through the protector, crossing through the Konoha leaf. A tear fell to fill the scratch, and he sobbed. He sobbed tears of sorrow, heart reaching for a home no longer his. He sobbed regret and hate, anger and abandonment. 

The night was filled with isolation and sorrow. There was no longer a friend to comfort Iruka, no longer a village to protect, no longer a family to return home to. He was alone, lying to the boy he all but adopted- all but kidnapped. And he’s sure. As much as he says they’re family, as much as he wants to believe- He’s sure Naruto will learn to hate him when he learns the truth, much like his friends will do. He will be hated. Hated by all, loathed and murdered. But it’s ok, because he isn’t doing this for himself. He’s doing this for Naruto, so when even Naruto hates him, he’ll be ok. 

Another sob wracked through his body. 

He’ll be ok, just like how he’s ok now. He’s ok, because he has to be. Shaky hands reached out, ghosting a touch through Naruto’s hair. A reminder. It’s for him, it’s for him, so he will be ok. Iruka has to only keep reminding himself, he no longer matters- another broken sob- only Naruto does. 

* * *

It was not just Iruka falling into the abyss of distress on that clear night. Kakashi was feeling it, back in Konoha, in a busy bar tucked away that only ninjas can get into. He sat in a corner, cradling a bottle of who-knows-what and not nearly as drunk as he wishes to be. But he also wanted to feel this suffering, this suffering of loneliness that he must be sharing with Iruka - wherever Iruka is. But he admits, this sorrow must also be so much worse for his poor beloved, for his poor Iruka. At least Kakash still has Konoha. Iruka has nothing, well, he has Naruto but nothing else. Kakashi groaned, putting his face in his hands, maybe he should have gone with Iruka...

“You!” Kakashi flinched at the loud voice booming across the bar, followed by the scrape of shoes against the chipped wooden floor. He winced when a body joined him in his corner of self-wallow, dropping heavily at his table. He looked up to see Asuma. Great. 

“I heard you know what really happened to Iruka. Spill.” The tone left room for no argument. Kakashi only shrunk lower into his bar seat, and Asuma hit the table with his fist. Hard. He was upset, truly and completely upset. 

“Iruka is like a brother- a weird brother, sure. But family. You better tell me the truth, because like hell I believe he became a missing nin!” 

Kakashi swallowed thickly, “It’s true. Not out of malice but...it’s true.” 

“Like hell!” His hand once again slamming against the wooden table. The danger in his tone, it got the attention of the entire bar. All eyes and ears were now on them. There was no escaping this situation. There was the running. 

And he was quite good at running. 

Kakashi let out a sigh, “It’s confidential.”

“Confidential my ass. What happened?” 

Everyone was staring. Everyone wanted to know- what would make Iruka, little academy teacher Iruka, steal the Jinchuriki and go missing nin? 

“You wouldn’t like the answer.”

“Try me.”

Kakashi took a long drink. This, this was going to be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! Spread some luvin

**Author's Note:**

> Please like and comment if you want more! I do have some more written to come you're way! Prepare for the tears.  
And please come bug me @catsandcoffee103 on tumblr!


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